Dirty Joke Of The Day

Monday, March 24, 2008, Monday, March 24, 2008

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths
- has to work upside down
- has no ventilation or air-conditioned environment at work
- has to work in a high humidity environment
- has to work at high temperatures
- does not get weekends and holidays off
- does not get time off after extra hours of work
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row
- does not answer immediately to all requests
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work
- shows no fidelity to the workplace
- retires too early
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
- sometimes leaves work too early.

Labels: jokes

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How To Shower

Sunday, March 23, 2008, Sunday, March 23, 2008

How to shower like a woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

3. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

5. Get in shower.

6. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

8. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

9. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

11. Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower.

16. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

17. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

18. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.

19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

20. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

2. Leave in a pile.

3. Walk naked to the bathroom.

4. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making woo-hoo sound.

5. Look at manly physique in the mirror.

6. Admire size of your willy and scratch your ass.

7. Get in the shower.

8. Wash your face.

9. Wash your armpits.

10. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

11. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

12. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

13. Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.

14. Shampoo hair.

15. Make shampoo mohawk.

16. Pee.

17. Rinse off and get out of shower.

18. Partially dry-off.

19. Fail to notice water on floor.

20. Admire willy size in mirror again.

21. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

22. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

23. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make woo-hoo noise again.

24. Throw wet towel on bed.

Labels: jokes

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Male Or Female?

Sunday, March 2, 2008, Sunday, March 02, 2008

Ziploc Bags: They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers: They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective productive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire: Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloon: Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.

Sponges: Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web Page: Female, because it’s always getting hit on

Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer: Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

Remote Control: Female. You thought it’d be male but consider this; it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Labels: jokes

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Trading Places

Thursday, January 24, 2008, Thursday, January 24, 2008

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Then he went grocery shopping, drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

Labels: jokes

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